


trading petals for a better heart

by InvadingThoughts



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Blood, Crushes, Fake AH Crew, Hanahaki Disease, Language of Flowers, M/M, Multi, Requited Unrequited Love, Swearing, Talk of Death (No Actual Death), coughing up blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 13:09:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14136708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InvadingThoughts/pseuds/InvadingThoughts
Summary: Carefully, Jeremy plucks a semi-clean petal from the rest and stares it down, a sinking feeling curling in his gut. He shouldn’t have looked at Gavin, shouldn’t have let himself meet Gavin’s gaze when he knew he’d get lost in it.Two months.Two months of progress down the drain.





	trading petals for a better heart

**Author's Note:**

> Flower meanings in the end notes!

He wants to be buried with them, he’s decided, because he’s earned that at least that.

They’d be something pretty, filling up his coffin  _or_  his urn; it’d give them a purpose or a job to do because God knows they’re utterly worthless now, while he’s still fuckingalive. And maybe he’s a little too soft, or stupid - or  _way_  too in over his head - but Jeremy can’t help but keep one petal, each time. Just one, because Geoff would lose his  _mind_  if Jeremy’s room was filled to the brim with flowers.

But one of each works.

His bottom drawer, completely unorganised and hidden away in shame, marks each and everyone one of his  _moments_. Like the first time it happened in Los Santos, the way they clouded his throat and made him think he was going to choke. The pink and purple petals bubbling from his lips, drifting down to the pavement as he desperately fought for breath. Even then, he’d thought to save some, pocketing them before returning to the crew, a crippling sense of dread running through his veins.

He knew what it was. Of course he did. All of the stories from his mother, the hopeless warnings and looks of pity. Passed down, each and every generation, was a way for the universe to force Jeremy to wear his heart on his sleeve. A chance to turn love into fear; a curse that turns hiding a simple crush or an infatuation, into an all-out battle.

What matters most though, is that they never noticed or even  _cared_  enough to and if Jeremy’s honest, they still don’t.

In their eyes, he’s still normal.

In their eyes, he’s not a damn lovestruck freak and that’s how he wants it to stay.

So instead of going to Geoff for help, or even Jack or Ryan, instead, Jeremy abandons the lounge room where they all sit, eyes glued to the movie of the night. He presses a palm to the centre of his chest, weaving through the penthouse hallways until he comes to a stop in the bathroom.

He slips the door closed behind him, making sure to flick the lock before meeting his reflection head on. He’s choking. There’s no other word for it, and now with the added privacy of the bathroom, he allows the edge of panic that washes over him each time to build. He forces himself to cough, hard and rough, as his fingers grip the porcelain bench hard enough to turn white.

A red-tipped white petal catches on his tongue, and Jeremy spits it into the sink. It’s slightly stained with blood, but he’s not given the chance to mourn how it’s been ruined. Desperate for breath, he dips his head and heaves into the sink, coughing up handfuls of petals, until the sink is full and he’s able to take a shaky breath.

Carefully, Jeremy plucks a semi-clean petal from the rest and stares it down, a sinking feeling curling in his gut. He shouldn’t have looked at Gavin, shouldn’t have let himself meet Gavin’s gaze when he  _knew_  he’d get lost in it.

Two months.

Two months of progress down the drain. He actually thought he’d saved himself. Thought he’d moved on,  _without_  the need for surgery, but now it’s obvious that Jeremy’s not ‘the exception’. There’s no easy way out of this, not this time. He can’t get this fixed medically, he’s in too deep now. If they take the flowers from his lungs now, they’ll take every little piece of Gavin along with it, and he can’t even begin to imagine explaining to the crew why he doesn’t remember Gavin.

Either things stay how they are, hiding the way his throat closes up whenever Gavin smiles and how he always seems to smell like bloody flowers, or Gavin falls for him back.

Jeremy doesn’t see that happening.

 _Ever_.

A fist raps against the bathroom door, and he jolts, wiping at his lips with the back of his hand. “Give me a sec,” he calls back, and through the door, he hears Michael huff. He reaches for the bin, slipping the bag out of it so he can fill it with handfuls of ruined petals.

“You know, I’ve seen a dick before Jeremy. Let me in, dude, I need to piss,” he grunts, banging his fist against the door one more time before slumping against it. A second later, Jeremy slips it open, the trash bag carefully held behind his back as Michael stumbles and flips him off.

“All yours,” he mumbles, sidestepping around the lad before bolting to the kitchen. Geoff is already there, carefully drying the nights worth of dishes and when Jeremy rushes in, he raises an eyebrow.

“Everything all good?” He asks, setting the glass that’s in his hand down on the counter. Jeremy tracks his movements with his eyes, giving Geoff a curt nod. He doesn’t dare turn his head a little bit to the left, lest he catch sight of Gavin in the lounge room and doom himself again.

There’s been days -- so many of them actually, that Jeremy couldn’t dare count them all -- that he’s barely had a minute to himself to breathe easily. Days where he’s had to feign a stomach bug, just to give himself a reason to dart into the bathroom again and again, coughing his throat raw all because Gavin had decided that Jeremy was his sole focus for the day.

And as much as he’d  _like_  to just sit back and enjoy the attention, it’s too much and  _way_  too intoxicating.

So he keeps his eyes on Geoff, tipping his head towards the front door. “I’m just gonna head down to the convenience store, the one that’s down the street and get some popcorn. For the movie, yeah?” he bluffs, moving towards the door before Geoff can even say anything.

He makes it out into the hallway - bare feet padding against the carpet as he makes his way towards the elevator - before something catches in his throat. And in a way, it’s almost like he’s trying to outrun it all, the  _feelings_  and the  _secrecy_ , when he picks up his pace. He bolts towards the elevator, mashing the down button as he desperately clenches his jaw.

He doesn’t understand, he didn’t even look at  _Gavin._ He didn’t catch himself thinking about kissing him, he didn’t imagine what it would be like to wake up next to him. There’s no reason as to why he should be choking again, and yet when he coughs, small, oddly shaped red petals escape and land on the elevator floor.

He crushes them under his foot as he tries to swallow down the ones that remain stuck in his throat.

The second the elevator opens, offering him his first floor stop, Jeremy is rushing out and into the street. Framed by the dull and sparse Los Santos street lights, he curls in on himself and spits petals into the street. They catch in the wind, blowing away within seconds. With wet cheeks, he scrambles to save one for his bottom drawer.

“All of this isn’t worth it, is it?” he whispers to himself, carefully tucking the petal into his back pocket.

“All of what?” a voice asks from behind him, and Jeremy starts, frantically wiping at the tear-tracks on his cheeks to hide all evidence of his problem. Michael stares at him, hands shoved into the front pockets of his jeans, shoulders hunched in slightly. His cheeks are pink; Jeremy feels slightly lightheaded.

“Michael,” he croaks out, “what are you doing out here?”

“Geoff sent me to tell you that we’re good, we’ve already got popcorn in the cupboard.” He takes a couple of steps forward, advancing towards Jeremy in a way that’s extremely intimidating. “Is something wrong?” he asks, cocking his head, eyes scanning every inch of Jeremy.

“Nope! No, I’m good,” he assures, tossing a throwaway glance behind him -- just to make sure the petals are long gone -- before focusing back on Michael. “Let's go back up then, saves me a trip,” he tries, but when he circles Michael and heads for the penthouse, Michael makes no attempt to follow him.

“What’s not worth it, Jeremy?” he asks, eyes glued to the street, catching on the occasional car that passes by. He stands so still, that Jeremy fears that he’s been turned into stone.

“Michael, please. I was- I was just talking about the  _popcorn_ ,” he lies, taking a step back towards him. “I forgot my shoes-“ he sticks out a foot, as if to prove his words- “and I realised it wasn’t worth it, to walk all the way there.”

It’s such a slight movement that Jeremy barely catches it, but Michael does nod. He spins on his heel, facing Jeremy head on and brings a finger up to his lip. “You’ve got a bit of blood there,” he states and Jeremy’s stomach sinks as Michael shoulders past him, because Jeremy can see it in Michael’s eyes that he doesn’t believe him for even a second.

He waits until Michael’s inside before he follows, but they both still end up in the elevator together. Michael presses the button for the penthouse, and Jeremy feels a wave of frustration crash over him, strong enough that it brings tears to his eyes.

There's a lump in his throat.

He gasps for air, though not as quietly as he’d like, and Michael snaps his head to stare at him in an instant.

“What’s wrong? Jeremy, what’s _fucking_ wrong?” he hisses as Jeremy presses himself back against the elevator wall, a whimper escaping his lips. Hands grab for his shoulders, squeezing once before drifting upwards, until Michael’s forcing Jeremy to lift his head to meet his gaze.

There’s nothing but panic in Michael’s eyes when he does, and while Jeremy would like nothing more than to open his mouth to at least try and quell those fears, but he doesn’t dare. He doesn’t dare give the flowers a chance to spill, to leak from his lips and cascade onto the floor.

He doesn’t dare ask for help, but it doesn’t matter.

With a frown, Michael lays an open palm on his throat, feeling for something Jeremy doesn’t want him to find. The weight of Michael’s hand on his throat makes him want to cough, and Michael seems to realise this too. He pushes down a little bit more, a frantic hand moving to grab his jaw.

“Open your mouth. Jeremy, open your fucking mouth, c’mon,” he pleads, as Jeremy tries to dislodge his hand and turn away. Panic seizes him, sending ice shooting through his veins as his head spins, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he wonders how far he’s going to take this. If he’s going to pass out in the damn elevator, or if he’s going to choke to death.

Michael makes the choice for him, letting out a frustrated growl as he slips his fingers in between Jeremy’s lips to pry his jaw open. The second the tension is released, Jeremy’s body forces him to cough up a bloody clump of pink and yellow petals. Shocked, Michael withdraws his grasp and Jeremy doubles over without his touch, heaving desperately as he tries to fill his lungs with fresh air.

He lets out a pitiful whimper when he can breathe again, and instead of bothering to hold himself up any longer, he lets himself collapse to the floor. He still has the odd-shaped red petal in his back pocket, but a wave of resentment flows through him.

He’s not saving these petals.

“Jeremy…” Michael tries, watching as the lad lets his head flop back against the elevator wall. “How did you? I don’t  _understand_ , why… why?  _Why_  were you choking on  _flowers_?” he asks. His voice incredulous and Jeremy doesn’t have any remaining energy to give him anything back. So instead, he closes his eyes and tries to will away the tears of frustration he can feel building.

Silence builds between them, only broken by Michael’s harsh breaths and Jeremy finds himself desperately trying to  _will_ the other man to just leave. To walk out of the elevator and just leave him to lie there; to  _die_  there. To decompose in the elevator without a second thought and let the petals in his lungs take back his body.

Something about this feels wrong;  _everything_  about this feels wrong.

It’s too many, he’s coughed up petals too many times today. There’s something wrong - he can feel it in the way his body hums, the way his throat feels closed up - he just doesn’t know how to fix it.

The whole elevator shudders as it comes to a stop, and when the doors slide open, just the sound of Michael’s footsteps is enough to tell him the other man's left him. It’s what he wanted, but without Michael there, his whole body feels a thousand times colder. A smarter Jeremy - a Jeremy who wasn’t foolish enough to fall for ‘ _the golden boy_ ’ - would get up and leave.

Heave himself to his feet, keep his eyes downcast and walk right out of the building. He’d drive north, find the closest specialist and forget all about Gavin.

About Michael.

About the crew.

 _Oh_.

The  _whole_ crew

This time, he knows the petals are coming before they even catch in his throat, and this time, Jeremy doesn’t fight them. He lets them come, lets them stick to his tongue even though they only seem to mock him and when he can breathe easily again, he does something he hasn’t done is a long time.

He googles what they mean.

The red petals, they’re scarlet geraniums and the purple ones, they’re honesty flowers. They’re much prettier in the pictures on his phone, but he doesn’t dwell on that thought for long. Instead, he gets distracted by what they actually mean.

_Honest stupidity._

Out of the corner of his eye, the elevator doors reopen and voice cuts through the silence. “Who?” is all Ryan asks, and Jeremy huffs a sarcastic laugh.

“I thought it was Gavin,” he mumbles, careful not to ruin the petals in his palm, “but it turns out I was wrong.” He lifts his gaze, meeting Ryan head on. “How do you… you don’t seem as confused as Michael was. When did you…?”

“High school,” he replies, moving to sit next to Jeremy. He absentmindedly plucks a petal from Jeremy’s palm, examining it with a frown. “There was a girl in my class. Eliza. Quiet. Barely acknowledged anyone. One day, this girl called Emily sat next to her, started talking to her as if they were best friends and then suddenly, Eliza was choking. Right there, in the middle of class, started coughing up flower petals,” he explains, turning his gaze to Jeremy.

“The teacher ushered her out, took her to the nurse, I assume. I was curious, so I did a bit of research. It was so long ago that I’d mostly forgotten about it, until Michael comes rushing in pulling at his hair, babbling something about you ‘coughing up  _fucking flowers_ ’,” he quotes and Jeremy sighs.

Ryan waits for him to talk, blue eyes solely focused on him, but he doesn’t. Instead, he just sits there, fighting off the waves of frustration and humiliation. Deep down he knows his new ‘revelation’ isn’t going to change much, nor would it have a year ago, but he can’t help but feel like he’s fucked up.

It’s not a nice feeling.

“So if it’s not Gavin…” Ryan tries, words tapering off slightly, “then who?”

“I…” Jeremy begins, but the words don’t go anywhere. They freeze in his throat and when he glances at Ryan, the other man just tilts his head slightly. He brings a thumb up to Jeremy’s lips, calloused skin wiping at his bottom lip and when he pulls away - a smear of blood on his thumb - Jeremy instantly licks over the spot he touched.

“I’m an  _idiot_ ,” he hisses, and Ryan shakes his head.

“Nah, oblivious maybe,” he pauses and then lets out an incredulous huff of laughter. “Actually  _yeah_ , definitely oblivious, but no, not an idiot, Jeremy.”

“I don’t wanna have to forget you, Ryan…” he whispers, staring at him with a desperate look in his eyes. Ryan, to his credit, doesn’t look away and Jeremy feels his breathing pick up slightly. “I don’t wanna do it again, I don’t wanna forget everything. Please,  _please_ ,” he begs, and Ryan grabs for him, pulling him against his side. Jeremy latches onto him instantly, pressing his face into the crook of Ryan’s neck as he tries to catch his breath.

“You don’t have to forget me. Nobody’s gonna make you forget me,” he promises, laying a hand on the back of Jeremy’s neck in an attempt to ground him.

“There are so many gaps in my memory, Ryan, and you  _don’t_ understand. I can’t remember any of them. I can’t- I can’t,” he babbles, pulling back to put some distance in between them. “It’s  _terrifying,_ Ryan. I don’t remember their faces and I don’t remember their names, but the blank spots are enough to tell me that I used to be in love. I used to be in love and it fucks me up to know  _the reason_  I don’t remember them is because they didn’t love me back. They didn’t want me back, they didn’t make the petals go away, so I had to do it myself.”

“Jeremy…” Ryan tries, but Jeremy shakes his head. He pushes himself back further until he’s on the complete opposite side of the elevator.

“And now I’ve done it again. And it’s gonna happen again. I’m going to lose  _years_  of my life, because it’s  _not just_  Gavin. It’s not  _just_  Gavin, and it’s not  _just_  you. It’s all of you!” He’s shouting now, and he levels Ryan with a hard look. “It’s all of you…  _God_ , how could I be  _so_   _stupid_? How didn’t I notice? All this fucking time, I’ve been pathetically pining after all of you and-”

Ryan doesn’t let him finish the sentence because he’s suddenly surging forward, pressing his lips to Jeremy’s. He kisses desperately, arms encircling Jeremy’s neck as he crawls into the lad’s lap. It takes him a few moments, as the shock drains out of him, for Jeremy to kiss Ryan back, but when he does he puts everything into it.

Ryan’s the one to pull back, harsh breaths and red lips. He’s got an odd look in his eyes as he watches Jeremy, but the lad can’t help but ignore him, completely focused on the way his breathing feels easier now. Every time the petals come, a certain heaviness in his lungs that he’s gotten used to over-time follows, but now it feels different.

He feels lighter.

“No more bloody flowers,” Ryan whispers, and Jeremy’s eyes flick back to him. “I swear to you, no more.”

“That’s not how it works, Ryan…” he tries, but Ryan shakes his head.

“Jeremy.  _Jeremy_. They come because of unrequited love, right?” he mumbles, and when Jeremy gives a curt nod, he smiles. “Then come inside with me, and let me prove to you that it’s not unrequited,” he finishes and Jeremy’s breath catches in his throat at the confidence in Ryan’s tone.

Ryan gets to his feet first, stretching himself out and tugging down his shirt. He extends a hand to Jeremy to help him up when he’s ready and, following Ryan back to the penthouse, Jeremy can’t help but feel like it’s his first day again. That nervous excitement bubbling away inside of him, scared to touch or say anything - unsure of his place and future in the crew - and the second they cross the threshold, the feeling gets worse.

All eyes snap to them, and Jeremy wants to sink into the floor.

He tucks his hands into his back pockets and hesitates by Ryan’s side, unsure of how to act. He can feel Michael’s eyes on him, but it’s Geoff who breaks the silence. “Ryan-” he begins, eyes glued to Jeremy. “Is everything… okay?” he asks, sounding just as unsure as Jeremy feels. There’s a certain air of urgency to him that freaks Jeremy out, as if Geoff can’t choose between running  _to_ him, or running  _from_ him.

Ryan makes the choice for him, though, grabbing for Jeremy’s arm and tugging him across the self-imposed space between them all. He doesn’t dare let go, even when they come to a stop in front of Geoff and it’s almost like he’s afraid Jeremy’s going to run. But Jeremy wouldn’t dare. “Everything is good, Geoff. Holy fuck, it’s so good.” He laughs, a giddy smile spreading over his lips and Michael slowly advances towards Jeremy.

“What the fuck was that, Jeremy?” he spits, pulling Jeremy’s attention to him, “that’s not normal. You were- you were coughing up flowers, for fuck sake!”

“Michael…” he says, but Michael shakes his head.

“No. I don’t need that shit. Just be fucking honest, Jeremy,” he cuts in, shaking his head. “Explain.” And from behind him, Gavin nods in agreement. Jeremy feels his stomach drop. He doesn’t really want spill his secrets, doesn’t want to open up old wounds, but Ryan bumps their shoulders together and Jeremy sighs.  _Just be fucking honest_ , he thinks,  _alright then_.

“I have the hanahaki disease, Michael,” is what he says, and then he’s met with three confused faces. Geoff, Michael and Jack all stare back at him, a touch of panic mixing into their wide eyes.

Gavin though, his reaction is different. He leans back slightly, mouth parted just  _enough_ for his tongue to dart out and lick his lips. There’s no confusion or fear in his eyes; Jeremy instantly has to look away. “My mom has it, and my sister too. It’s just apart of our blood now.”

“What… is it?” Jack asks.

“Is it fatal?” Geoff whispers at the same time, and Jeremy shakes his head.

“It won’t kill me, Geoff,” he replies and his words have a visible effect on them all. The slump of their shoulders, the way their eyes flutter closed for a brief moment, it tells Jeremy that they were a lot more afraid than they were letting on. “It means… it, uh, it means-”

Out of the corner of his eye, Jeremy catches sight of Gavin as his gaze flickers between him and Ryan, and all at once - thanks to the soft smile on Ryan’s lips - he figures out what Jeremy’s too afraid to say.

“It means he’s in love with us,” he blurts and out of instinct, Jeremy ducks his head as his cheeks heat up. _God, he hopes Ryan is right,_  he thinks, holding his ground.

“I don’t understand,” Geoff says, at the same time Michael barks out a “What?” and Ryan snorts. When Jeremy makes no attempt to explain things, letting the silence stretch out between them all, Ryan sighs.

“Hanahaki disease makes you cough up flower petals, Geoff,” he mutters, “when you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back.”

Instantly, Michael lets out a sarcastic snort and there’s something so harsh about it that that makes Jeremy want to flinch, but instead, he holds himself still. “That makes no fucking sense,” Michael spits, “it’s not fucking unrequited love, so why the hell is he coughing up petals?”

The words take a moment to stick, bouncing around in Jeremy’s head while Michael stares at Ryan with honest confusion in his eyes, but when they do, Jeremy’s breath catches. He expects flower petals to follow, a force of habit, but nothing comes out and it’s disorientating.

He tosses Ryan a helpless look, only to get a raised eyebrow in return and Jeremy gapes like a fish. “I- I thought it was…” he mumbles, flicking through his memories trying to find any sign that they wanted him back, “I thought-”

All in a moment, Ryan laughs, closing the distance between them to cup Jeremy’s chin. He tilts his face up, and Jeremy can’t help but blush knowing everyone in the room has their eyes on him. “Utterly oblivious,” he whispers, shaking his head once before leaning in and kissing him.

An arm snakes around his waist from behind, and Michael’s disbelief is evident in his tone. “Are you serious? Really?  _Really_?” he asks, incredulous, “with the way Gavin fawns over you, I was so sure you knew!”

Gavin, Geoff and Jack crowd around him, hesitant smiles on their faces until Michael rolls his eyes and grabs for the closest one -- who happens to be Geoff -- and tugs them all in. Geoff laughs, loud and unabashed, and just the sound of it fills Jeremy’s heart with love. He lets himself be tugged towards the lounge room, all the while revelling in the giddy feeling that building in his chest.

The petals are gone, and they  _won’t_ be coming back.   

**Author's Note:**

> Flower Meanings:  
> 1) Pink & Purple Petals - Surprise Longing  
> (Betony & Camillia Japonica Flowers)  
> 2) Red-Tipped White Petals - Consumed by Love  
> (Syrian Mallow, Althae Flower)  
> 3) Small, Oddly Shaped Red Petals - Your Charms Are Engraved  
> On My Heart (Spindle Tree Flowers)  
> 4) Pink & Yellow Petals - Shame/Bashful Secret Love  
> (Pink Peony & Yellow Acacia)  
> 


End file.
